to my daughter, on her first anniversary in heaven

May 9, 2016, Michaela Evanow, 6 Comments

Nothing could have prepared me for the beauty of your spirit as you came in flesh and blood and water. Nothing.

The love I have for you is vast. It is overwhelming.

On the day I finally met you, I felt my heart break. The love was so heavy, it literally tore my heart in two. I couldn’t imagine anything happening to you. The fear in those first few nights kept my heart racing. I was so nervous you were going to stop breathing!

We had no idea your little body was carrying a disease. We just had love.

Now, looking back, I feel like those three years were the most blessed years of my life. They were the hardest, too. I cried a lot. I pounded fists and screamed and pleaded. We almost lost you so many times. I wanted you to be strong and healed.

I just wanted you around for my whole life, Florence.

I hope you always know that.

Even as you lay dying in our arms, I hope you know that we wanted you. I struggle, as your mama, because mamas are supposed to make the owies go away. Mamas are supposed to protect. Mamas are supposed to grow old and be tended to by the very children they birthed.

So on the day you went home to Jesus, I felt torn in two, yet again. The love was crushing me. But it was not violent enough to hold you back. To keep you here.

I know you still hear me when I tell you I love you. But do you know how much of a hero you are?

Whenever I face pain or fear, I always ALWAYS think of you, baby. If Florence could do it, so can I. In these moments of struggle, I find my breath stills and I draw close to you. In a small way, I take on some of the pain that you experienced on this earth. You give me courage. To do all things.

You make me brave.

I am thankful that you, miraculous you, were placed in our lives.

The pain of losing you is enormous, but you are worth it.

You are worth the pain. The searing, the yearning, the tears.

Thank you for coming, my love.

Keep on running, drawing those tiny fingers of yours along knee high silky petals. Feel the wind in your curls. Tumble forward down grassy hills and get back up! Keep on going and don’t look back.

We are right behind you.

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6 Comments

  • Reply Gayle Ruud June 1, 2016 at 5:00 PM

    Beautiful post Michaela!

  • Reply Chelsea May 9, 2016 at 10:44 PM

    Thinking of you Michaela and Jay and sweet Teddy. May you feel love surround you during the time. Thinking of you sweet Flo. You truly touched hundreds maybe even thousands of hearts❤️

  • Reply Tan May 9, 2016 at 9:54 PM

    So beautifully said. While you’re lucky to have Flo in your life (for she is still with you in so many ways) she is incredibly lucky to have such a strong mother <3

  • Reply Megan May 9, 2016 at 8:47 PM

    Heartbreakingly beautiful. My Mama heart continues to reach for yours. ❤️ Hugs.

  • Reply Debbie Tuit May 9, 2016 at 11:36 AM

    Oh Michaela,
    I always feel like I need to know I am a good emotional place. Your words penetrate my heart so deep. I feel your love. I feel your pain. I just cannot imagine what you must feel every day now that she is gone. I pray that most of the time it is just all the wonderful memories. Like the beautiful photos of Flo you have shared. God bless you and your wonderful family!

  • Reply Melissa Naiad May 9, 2016 at 10:29 AM

    Just beautiful, Michaela.

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