this is motherhood {too}: a late miscarriage and a rainbow baby.

October 3, 2013, Michaela Evanow, 4 Comments

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By Tamara Goyette.

My husband and I found out we were expecting in November 2011 and shared the news with out families the following months.

But, everything changed January 21, 2012.

We were right around the 12 week mark. It was the same weekend we were actually about to announce our pregnancy to all our family and friends. Instead on Sunday my husband was calling them to inform them what was going on and to ask for prayer. We suffered a miscarriage, the loss of our dear baby. I’d heard the heart beat just weeks before, yet suddenly there was nothing. It broke my heart and my husbands. For some reason God only blessed us with our little one during the few months of pregnancy, but I believe some day when I get to heaven I will get to put my arms around my child and see his or her face, our little one, our Ehren.

Soon after we found out we were expecting again. I didn’t have a hard pregnancy, but I lived that pregnancy in fear, worried we’d suffer another loss. We had several frightening moments, one at the same point where we lost our first child. The months past, a few other frightening moments happened, causing several trips to the hospital to monitor the baby.

We found out we were having a girl and instantly her name fell into our hearts, little Everly.

Labour was 14 hours. My water broke and there were indicators of meconium. Her heart rate was crashing, and at one point I was giving verbal consent for a c-section. Thankfully after 35 minutes of pushing and the aid of a vacuum, she was out. She entered sunny side up and wearing her umbilical cord as a seat belt, but she was here. I remember them not letting her cry until they knew she was fine. All I wanted was to hear her voice. Her one eye was horribly swollen. I was told it was normal. Now at 8 months we have been told she has ptosis of  the eye and we have to make sure it never covers her pupil or she will go blind in that eye. She may need surgery.

After her first feed we also noticed something else wasn’t right. She could not latch, or when she did latch and got some milk she would start choking and vomiting. With the bad latch, and problems with my right breast I could not provide enough milk (I went on natural remedies and was prescribed  medication which helped a little) and I ended up pumping and giving her bottles of half breast milk half formula. She still had problems with vomiting and choking. We did not sleep well the first week. We were in constant fear of her choking to death as she did turn blue once on us. We ended up going to several pediatricians, and many exams later, acid reflux was confirmed. At 8 months it has finally settling down.

When she was a newborn I felt so robbed of the “perfect newborn baby”.

Many made comments on how my daughter was broken…and I went with it. But it devastated me.

I ended up battling depression.

I am so thankful for a strong husband who has been by my side.

My daughter has things she is battling with, but I love my feisty little girl.

As a mother now, especially when Everly was first born and dealing with reflux and choking, I was living in constant fear that we may lose another child. We have an Angelcare monitor and I am so thankful for it because we have had moments where the alarm went off in the night and we have had to rush to her, some were false alarms others we needed to shake her to remind her to breathe. Now coming up to her being 9 months old, my nerves are just starting to calm—she is doing much better and the reflux is settling down. We don’t have to change her clothing six times a day either. Recently we have been talking about the future and having another child.

We do still think of Ehren on a daily basis, we give thanks for that little one always. My husband, Jason got me a little Willowtree figurine that we have in the living room, its of an angel holding a baby. This figurine is a constant reminder that we have another child in heaven. It was hard for me for about a month and a half to be around babies and children. I felt such a strong hole in my heart when I saw them that I would start sobbing instantly. Eventually I was able to be around them again. I was able to hold my friends 5 month old and not feel resentment because I would no longer be holding my little one in the months to come.

We still have pain that lingers with us from the miscarriage.

Not a day goes by that we do not think about our little one that should have been with us.

People may no longer see the pain that still lingers, and it has faded over time…but it’s there, it’s still there.

discoveringparenthoodBy Tamara Goyette from Discovering Parenthood. My husband and I were married in June of 2010 on the grounds of the summer camp we volunteer at on Anvil Island. In December 2012 we were blessed by the arrival of our spunky daughter Everly. Our lives have been go, go, go ever since.

This is from the collective writing project: this is motherhood {too}. Do you have a story you’d like to submit?

4 Comments

  • Reply After a Miscarriage & Other Fears | Discovering Parenthood September 5, 2014 at 2:03 PM

    […] very first posts at Discovering Parenthood was about how we went through a miscarriage, Evie is our rainbow baby, and we will always remember that moment in our lives. As Evie gets older, goodness, after she was […]

  • Reply Vander Belle October 19, 2013 at 6:24 AM

    Michaela, thank you for including other women’s {& babies, children & husband’s} stories of motherhood loving and loss alongside yours. Your blog is a rare and beautiful place to come to at all times, but on this night, when remembering the wee one who is in Heaven, the little one we never got to hold in 2008, and it brings healing through tears to read Tamara’s story that is still being written. It does comfort to know we are journeying this together as sisters.

    Sweet Tamara… Thank you for not just what you shared so openly, but how genuinely you wrote it. Thank you for your sincerity with how the struggle was… And is still sometimes. Aching for Ehren.
    But as you snuggle and feed and nurture and play with Everly, nestling into her warm creamy skin, smelling her after a bath, breathe deep of His promises and know that you, being willing to write a portion of your story; specifically this part about love and loss, have blessed those who read it.
    And what a gift God has given you in your hubby! What a thoughtful, precious gift he gave you in that willowtree memorial.
    So how is Everly’s eye doing today? How are your eyes? Has your perspective been forever changed?
    May God favour you, dear one, in the season you’re in. I pray that He holds you just the way you need to be held. And that you continue to be restored in those deeply felt ways; the ways He alone brings healing through Jesus’ love and comfort . Second Corinthians chapter one… The God of ALL comfort.

  • Reply tamaraelda October 4, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    http://www.discoveringparenthood.com is where you can reach me if anyone has gone through the same thing, and needs someone to talk to.

  • Reply tamaraelda October 3, 2013 at 1:26 PM

    Thank you for sharing our story. If anyone needs someone to talk to please don’t hesitate. Opening up about what happened has been such a part of healing for us.

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