5 minute Friday: on what is true.

September 27, 2013, Michaela Evanow, 10 Comments

Time to write for 5 minutes, and 5 minutes only, on this drizzly, gray day on the west coast.

On the word: TRUE

What is true, when it sure doesn’t look to be true?

Well, all the dreams in my heart. They are true and good and holy, and yet they aren’t happening, they aren’t smushed up to my face so hard, that I barely have time to say “life is good and I am blessed,” because life is too busy and it is good, but I’m taking it all for granted. This is how it was before the rains.

Right now, when it “appears” that my life isn’t good and I am “not” blessed because I’ve been thrown into the lion’s den, well now it the time that my soul rises up and speaks the truth. Because I have to.  It’s all that I can say, in this moment.

I am blessed now more than I ever have been. I have clarity and truth and hope written on my heart, pushed so deep into the dirt, watered heavily by tears and dreams, that new life is forced to grow.

That is nature’s way. That is God’s way.

I have lost it all, so I have gained everything. I’m not afraid of death.

Am I in a place of joy, so unfounded that I feel…befuddled?

Or…

Am I waiting for the storm to come? Every scratch in my throat, every drip from my nose. Will it cause a panic to erupt inside of me, a clawing, bleeding fear that will drain the life from me?

Will it take her?

But the Life within me has a say, for He is anchored to heart more than ever before. The River of Life, the truth, the wild and free.

I’m running a race, I’m running it hard and slow. I’m waiting for a miracle, I’m waiting to see the sun rise and blast blazing grapefruit and melon skies across this gray. I’m waiting for the day when I will see my babies squirm hard and kick and scream blue murder. I’m waiting to see my children crawl and yank off my earrings, I’m waiting for bruises from coffee tables, not IV’s.

As much as I’m living in the present, enjoying the sweetness of her, relishing in the glory of life…I’m also living with a great expectation for life to come, I’m waiting on the edge of the hill, watching for the glimpse of morning rays.

This is what brings me to my knees. This ache. This yearning.

Perhaps this is my way of coping, on a human level. But I also think it’s because it’s in my DNA. The scratches on my soul, are etched so deep, and they are telling me that I’m a mama, and I will be a mama, and I will see my children run like the wild, wind. And I will see my children walk down the aisle marrying their beloveds. I am a mother, and I will bear life, not death. I will push for that breakthrough, and I will cling to that hope, even when the rope is burning my palms, and my heart feels seared with unbelief. 

“At once the father of the (sick) boy gave [an eager, piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my weakness of faith!”

-Mark 9:24

mark924

10 Comments

  • Reply Lisa September 28, 2013 at 10:11 AM

    Found this quote awhile back….”Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”- Epicurus…Life is good, yes, but there are hard parts to be lived through. Prayers for you all!

  • Reply Sue September 28, 2013 at 4:22 AM

    Oh Michaela, your words mean so much to me! I wish I could move mountains to help you and here you are helping me all the time. Love the words of Mark (my son is Mark as well:) and struggle with that many times. Thank you!
    Love to you, your husband and little Flo- oh- i LOVE her glasses!!! They are adorable!
    Sue

    • Reply Michaela. September 29, 2013 at 1:48 PM

      Thank you Sue. It’s SO nice to hear words like this 🙂

  • Reply Ashley Osborn September 27, 2013 at 5:27 PM

    Thank you for sharing this! You have a gift with writing! I love your writing style! Thanks for visiting me! (Loving Mommahood)

    • Reply Michaela. September 27, 2013 at 10:05 PM

      Hi Ashley! Thanks for the kind words and for coming around 🙂

  • Reply marykatbpcsc45 September 27, 2013 at 2:47 PM

    Hi, praying for your family and little girl. When two or three pray in His name on the same thing, we can count on His blessing. We might not get a miracle, but God will provide. Thank you for sharing your story.

    http://mary-anderingcreatively.blogspot.com
    http://maryanderingamongthepages.blogspot.com

    • Reply Michaela. September 27, 2013 at 3:52 PM

      Hi Mary, thanks for visiting! I love knowing that we can’t focus on if we don’t get a miracle or go into our faith with limits. I’ve done that and it only brings me into lack. God is so good, no matter what!

  • Reply Joshua Nash September 27, 2013 at 2:31 PM

    Love these.

    Thanks, Josh

  • Reply Simply Beth September 27, 2013 at 2:21 PM

    I’m your neighbor at FMF and wow! I’m so glad I had the opportunity to come here and read your post and I also checked around a little to get to know you. You left me inspired by your faith…just beautiful. Loved this —> “But the Life within me has a say, for He is anchored to heart more than ever before.”

    • Reply Michaela. September 27, 2013 at 3:50 PM

      Hi Beth,
      Thanks for coming by and saying hello!

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