when your child has SMA: this is motherhood too.

August 15, 2013, Michaela Evanow, 15 Comments

to the other parents of children with SMA…this is my opinion, this is my story.

Imagine if your tiny baby appeared to be born healthy, and suddenly you received a diagnosis so terrible that you thought you would die. But in fact the doctor told you your baby would die, probably sooner rather than later, and not only that you would watch her muscles die too, all of them. You had a few short months of newborn bliss, of not knowing anything was wrong, and suddenly the world opened up and swallowed your little family whole.

Like ALS, SMA does not affect any part of the brain, it simply steals the infant or child’s ability to move. To speak. To breathe. To do much of anything at all.

And very often, it does end up in death. Note: I have “come to terms” with this, but have no accepted it. I can’t explain it anymore than that.

These are the cold, hard facts. I couldn’t bring myself to even glance upon them a year ago, and I still get sick to my stomach when I read a blog about SMA and learn that the child has died. I get mad at myself for reading it. But so often, when I’m Googling something, like ‘GJ tube blenderized diet’, or ‘dry heaving with Bipap’, I come across SMA. And I get this odd feeling of comfort…that there are others in the world struggling with this massive disease. And then I get angry, and tired, and depressed.

So I try to stay away from researching and blogs, but sometimes, when an issue arises with Florence, I do have to. The “facts” have yet to become truth to me, and I pray they never will. For me, it does no good to accept death. I don’t need to have a checklist of what to expect, what abilities Florence may lose, and all that harrowing stuff that goes with it. But I have thought about a tracheotomy and DNR’s (do not resuscitate) and I have thought about death and end of life care. I have thought about many things that a first time young mum probably hasn’t had to think about. This is what I talk to Jesus about. The heaviness of it all. Yes, I throw my sack of garbage at Him, but sometimes the burden is so heavy, it takes some time to hand it over. I have to will my heart and hands to let go.

It’s literally a physically and emotionally exhausting experience to let the burdens go. To let your child go. No–I mean really let your child go. I get that something could happen to your kid at any moment, a car accident, a fluke. But that would be a surprise and shock—no less devastating, yet different. It’s the day to day stuff that is hard. Having to look a disease in the face everyday and move on, and say, death you will not haunt me:  I’m dragging myself up this mountain, I’m getting to the top if it kills me.

My daughter–her body was made to thrive, to gain weight and be tanned by the sun. Her beautiful long legs were made to run in the dry summer grass, her toes and feet, so tiny and chubby because they don’t have muscle strength and the weight of her body on them, were made to get dirty and grow callouses.

Her chubby baby small hands, also stunted by the lack of movement, were made to pull my hair so hard I would yelp. They were made to paddy cake slap other kids. They were made to rub the tears from her eyes and pick her nose.

Oh, yes, SMA you are a terrible disease and I hate you.

You have taken my little baby, once able to hold her legs up in the air, and made her practically motionless. You have stolen her ability to hold her arms up, even in these few short months. It seems you are even taking her ability to swallow.

IMG_18644-5 months

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DSC_0482newborn Flo.

2013appleblossomfamilies051-0011 year old Flo.

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On the brighter scientific side of things, SMA was voted out of 600 neurological disorders, the disease closest to a cure or treatment in the next 10 years (some say 5, some say 2). SMA does not affect the brain, and often children that are afflicted with it are incredibly bright, interactive and social.

And on the brighter spiritual side of things, the side I sunbathe on and swim in: God is good and bigger and stronger.

He’s got my back, though the world wants to tell me to forsake Him and scream at Him and ask Him what the hell is taking Him so long.

There are many, many things I don’t understand. I don’t even understand this heady cloud of grace I’m in. After all, I’m parenting a child that the textbooks and doctors tell me will die young, slowly. Never in my life did I think I would do this. This is not God teaching me, putting me through this, and somedays I think that God isn’t even “using it.”. He is just crying up there in heaven with me, weeping and mopping up my tears with his bare hands. He’s kissing me on the top of my head, pulling back my hair from my wet face, cupping my cheeks in his hands and saying, “I am hurting with you beloved, but not like you. This is not breaking me, it’s making me roar. I am angrier than you are, and I’m rallying the troops on your behalf, just hold on. I’m carrying you. This is not right, but I will make it right. Press on, press on, press on, beloved.”

So, Jesus, you have won this.

That’s all I can say to make sense of this right now.

standing frame smaFlo at 17 months.

15 Comments

  • Reply Veronica Brotons January 16, 2016 at 11:49 AM

    Hi, they just told us that my daughter Emma Sofia has SMA LED. Is like the sucked the life out of me and my husband. She just turned 5 month old and is our little angel, she is always laughing and talking to us. she is finally copying my sods and she has the biggest eyes in the world, everybody is always complimenting her eyes and all of her expressions. We don’t know what to do or think. I would like to meet people that are going through the same… I love your strength and love towards the problem. they are telling us the risk of the g tube surgery, since she got pneumonia. WE are never going to give up on her, but we want to give her the best quality of live as possible and not be selfish. We don’t know what is the best choice… All we know is that she will always be loved

    • Reply Voula May 28, 2017 at 1:39 PM

      Hi Veronica..my son had sma type 1. It is really hard finding out that your precious has to live a life like that.there are no words to describe a morher’s and a father’s feelings.I m trying not to break down…I m so sad…I cannot enjoy motherhood….I have become a 24/7 nurse…
      The minute he smiles back at me…I forget everything…I just want him to smile all the time

  • Reply Ngozi Iworah January 5, 2016 at 4:32 AM

    I am with you my dear, I have a daughter who turned five (5) today 1/5/2016 with SMA type1, and I am not giving up on her. She’s the most adorable creature heaven ever made. Jesus has the final say.

  • Reply Sad Dad June 20, 2015 at 2:31 PM

    My wife and I are currently waiting on a diagnosis for our 14mo for what we strongly fear is SMA type 2.

    Your article has me bawling uncontrolably. Trying hard to pray to a god that I dont know if I believe in. Desperately looking for some form of faith to help me through this unimaginable nightmare.

    Anyone who reads this. Please pray for any little ones suffering from this disease. Maybe… just maybe… it will help.

    • Reply Leanne July 7, 2015 at 9:35 PM

      Saddad, we are in the very same boat as you with our 14 month old daughter. Waiting on the results of the blood test as we speak. I will pray for your child when I pray for my own. It can’t hurt.

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  • Reply Brie August 19, 2013 at 10:19 PM

    Once again leaving me in tears. Your description of what you think God is thinking/saying to you is the most wonderful description of how God feels in our suffering; I’ve never heard that said any better. I believe he is feeling exactly the way you described it and he will most certainly ‘make it right’ This is random, but in church this week, we read 1 Peter 1:5-7, and YOU popped into my head, because you are persevering through God’s power, your faith is genuine, and you bring glory to him through it. Thank you for your words and praying for you as always.

    • Reply Michaela. August 24, 2013 at 1:25 PM

      Oh wow, thank you for sending that verse. It’s a blessing to hear from you!

  • Reply Emily August 15, 2013 at 11:26 PM

    Incredible words Incredible mama.

    • Reply Emily August 15, 2013 at 11:30 PM

      You write with such power and truth…GOD BLESS YOU AND FLO

  • Reply Jeremy August 15, 2013 at 1:32 PM

    Her perfect smiles are remnants of a victory won long ago. We’re passing love and blessing on to you in the spirit.

    • Reply Michaela. August 15, 2013 at 7:51 PM

      this made me smile. and cry. thank you.

  • Reply Arlene Holland August 15, 2013 at 12:59 PM

    Just loving you , your family. Arlene from CPC

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