God in the ICU: redemption lives here too.

May 5, 2013, Michaela Evanow, 4 Comments

I have not asked where God is in all of this, because I’ve learned over these past 13 months that God is always here. We cannot base our belief in God on our feelings towards Him.
But, I have felt confusion.
I have had my chats with the Lord, asking why, why this bad, and what the heck? My mind is a mess. Although there is peace and yes, even joy, I feel a little stunned. And I think that’s how we all feel when we go through trauma. When our newborn needs major cardiac surgery, when our 5 year old child has cancer, when a car accident is fatal, when we get a diagnosis for a chronic illness…all of a sudden we are derailed.
This hurts.
I’m confused.
But God is always good. I wish, oh how I wish I could have engrained this into my heart before any of these trails came along. I wish I could tell you to let it sink in, that God is love and compassion, that He has a heart that breaks and a heart that is full of mercy.

And terrible things still happen.
We are not immune from suffering. Are we?

When I was in India catching babies, and spending time in the NICU with the unwanted and abandoned babies, sick and dying infants, small bodies getting cold and feet and hands slowly hardening from rigor mortis, I felt the waves of sorrow. Strong, big and ugly waves. In a foreign world. And yet I’m reminded, being here on this cot splattered with blue and white checkers, that pain happens here too. I felt I had carried enough sorrows from my time in India to last a lifetime. Helpless infants. Disease that medicine cannot cure. It’s here, staring at me again.

But, I believe my God turns the ugly into the divine, makes the broken things whole, the crooked straight. I believe He is in the ash heap, making all beautiful.

One thing He has spoken to me over and over is that He is the God of redemption. I don’t know what it looks like, how it will turn out, but I know He’s my Redeemer.
So I will wait, breathless with anticipation or silent and still, unable to make my voice sing. I will wait for You.
What else can I do?

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4 Comments

  • Reply Vangel May 6, 2013 at 9:52 PM

    Thank you, Michaela, for your honesty.

    I am overwhelmed by the thought of you guys…living like Court & Jess did for so long…tenderly caring with such courage and willingness to be vessels of His love to sweet baby Flo. So glad your momma is there with you…

    you are beautiful in His sight.

    Praying for you all…everyday…strength, grace, peace and courage to stand in faith.

    We love you guys. If there is anything you need, please let us know how we can help.
    Vange and Wade

  • Reply Debbie Tuit May 6, 2013 at 11:07 AM

    Thanks again dear lovely young Michaela. Your wisdom far exceeds your years.
    Today is one of those days that just seems like too much for me. I am so anxious and sad, and like you said….I feel stunned.
    I feel sometimes like I live in a glass bubble where all the world goes by me laughing and loving life. Can’t they see I am so saddened by the state of my 30 year old son?? It is not the fact that he has Down Syndrome. We never really fretted over that. When he needed open heart surgery at one year old, we were very scared….then….at his pre-surgery appointment, the Dr. came out and said he was healed. His heart was perfectly normal. Wow! We hadn’t even prayed about that. So, we know He heals, but not always when we want. Now, 7 brutal years of him in depression and anxiety. He seems to dislike us, and that hurts the most. He is so angry, and now has stopped talking for the past 3 years. Why now??
    Who knows..it is all in God’s hands. The tears, the joys. Thanks again for sharing your heart dear one.
    Love you , and your family. We still pray every day for Florence.

  • Reply Bev. Nash May 6, 2013 at 12:13 AM

    My darling daughter. This is good! We will see His redemption means we are looking for it. We can take it to the bank. He is always good. It’s something I am getting more assured of as the days go by. Trust – feels like Queen Esther- “if I perish, I perish”. She took that wild abandon to God. This is not stuff for the faint of heart. But Christ within the hope of glory. He is being gloriously formed in you both. Love you more than words could ever express……

  • Reply Maripat Rawson May 5, 2013 at 9:01 PM

    Dear family in Christ,
    With all that is in me, I lift you to God in the Name of the Son.
    Maripat

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