the storm rages on, but the wasteland blooms.

February 15, 2013, Michaela Evanow, 7 Comments

Yes, it’s true. I’m in the storm. Am I in the thick of it? That’s often what I fear the most. I have finally come to terms with the fact that this storm may rage on for quite some time. It rages and it growls and pounds on my door. Those days I can scarcely breathe, and my curls on my temple are sticky with tears, fallen while I’m laying on the hard ground. Hands raised high, lips trembling with utterances. Clarity comes too, quick like a whip, it flashes and I cease.

And there are days when I’m tucked in the center, the eye. Those days are colored in grays and violet, calm, quiet. I sense the storm clouds on the horizon, but the earth is being turned, the soil readied.

There is grief: Power wheelchairs, or feeding tubes or breathing tubes, are these on the horizon? I’m doing everything I can to get her to gain weight, but somedays I feel the lightness of her and I crumble. She is so long and lean, so dependant on me for everything. The wind of grief comes like grief does, hard and fast, gutting my entire being, throwing my life into obscurity, senseless grief that is graciously numbing.

But that passes too, it has to, because God created all these things, and He says there is a time for all these things, so we must, at some point, feel all these things.

Pain will come, my friends. Unexpected things will suddenly become your reality. Things will not go as planned. This world is full of it, groaning with joy, grief, love, pain, peace.

We go through valleys, and then we go through even deeper ones, where the rocks are craggy, the light is dim and the ground is dry and cracked. And then perhaps, we go even deeper.

I’m learning how to respond in these times. How to praise my God, without faking it. I’m having to train my heart to not fear, to not think, to do things differently in the midst. I am having to pound the truth into my heart and mind. I yell at myself, back and forth, swaying my heart to believe: God is still good, this is not the end of her story, I believe against all odds, God has a plan and purpose, this too shall pass, the best is yet to come…pound, pound, pound. I claw, desperate for these words to sink in.

It is not easy. But there is victory. Let me say it again, it is not easy. It’s a battle, every moment, every day.

This storm is ripping away everything, like storms do. Some homes lay untouched, shutters intact, while others (mine…) are shredded by the tip of the tornado, nothing left unturned, no old photos, not even one left behind in some puddle.

And so, I start again. Everyday. I start over. And somedays, I start over two or three times.

But I see the beauty, and I watch and wait. He is: the restorer of Wastelands. He makes: the garbage heap into a blossoming garden. A pit, the dark earth, ripe, ready for the seeds.

Selah.

 

7 Comments

  • Reply Kristin Sarai March 28, 2013 at 8:46 AM

    This was so great! Thanks for sharing. It resonates with my spriit so much!

  • Reply When Storms are Raging | LifeVesting February 27, 2013 at 8:22 AM

    […] the storm rages on, but the wasteland blooms. […]

  • Reply Maripat February 16, 2013 at 10:15 PM

    Were it not for Eternity…
    Were it not but for the cross of Christ…
    Were it not that His strength is best evidenced in our weakness…
    We would all despair.
    Because of His Life eternal…
    Because of His promise to stay…
    Because of His Blood…
    We will all prevail.
    His Life in, around, through and upon you has power.
    You are safe to feel.
    You are safe to love.
    You are safe within the eternal arms of your Savior.
    In Jesus…
    In Jesus…
    In Jesus…

  • Reply Melissa Naiad February 16, 2013 at 2:41 PM

    Sorry for the typo.

  • Reply Melissa Naiad February 16, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    The Laundry Lady beat me to it, but sometimes this post just makes me want to give you a big hug.

  • Reply The Laundry Lady February 16, 2013 at 6:42 AM

    Michaela, this is one of those times when I wish I were nearby so I could give you a hug when words just won’t do. If you don’t already know this song, it’s one that I’ve found comforting during times of storm. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoUtJw3o9ao

    Regarding the putting on weight, I’ve begun making my son high fat green smoothies and spoon feeding them to him because he won’t drink from a straw. But you could make it thin enough for a straw if Flo will use one. I use Kale, coconut milk (so far our son can’t have any dairy products, but yogurt is great if she can have it), I put a hard boiled egg in, avocado, sometimes blueberry and Banana. I know it sounds gross, but you can throw in anything that will add healthy calories and that Flo seems to like.

    Know that you are still and continually in our prayers.

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