this is the face of motherhood too.

December 2, 2012, Michaela Evanow, 8 Comments

This is awfully hard sometimes:

Juggling first time motherhood and struggling through Florence’s condition.

Many (most) days are good, filled with joy and life, and I am blessed because of that. But every few days or few weeks, I hit a wall.

I think things like:

Why is this not going away? Why do people not understand how to interact with me, with her? Why do they treat us differently and then pretend they’re not? Why is the world so clumsy with children with different needs? How do I find the strength to do this? What about my next pregnancy? Will I be fearful the entire time, until we get the blood test back from the next baby? Why do people complain about the most trivial things? Why do they get flustered over the smallest issue with their child?  Why did I get sacked with this and not them? Do they think I did something to deserve this? What would they do in my situation?

Is God enough? Are you really there God? Will this pain end? Will it change? Will she get better? Will you answer my prayers?

Of course I do not think these things all the time, sometimes they are just passing thoughts, not heavy enough to even leave an impression. But then somedays, when something changes unexpectedly, when someone cuts me off in traffic, when someone is rude or self seeking, when I feel like I don’t have enough support (because call me if you need anything is not an offer for help…), then I hit these thoughts, hard, and it hurts and I feel alone.

I feel, I feel too much, my emotions override me, like they often do with all of us, so please don’t tell me to give to God, because I do, all the time, but some moments I’m just broken. It’s in those broken moments that I’m set free of the burden. That is the beauty of Grace.

DSC_0651This is the face of motherhood too.

A bruised and battered heart, but a beating heart nonetheless. When a baby cries in the middle of the night and you’re too tired to think straight, and then you pick up that baby and are reminded that she is completely and utterly dependant on you. You.

When the whole world is on your shoulders, and you carry the load of motherhood and then some. When people ask if your baby is sleeping, and is she a newborn? And she’s so small! How old is she? Do I shave off a few weeks to give Florence the benefit of the doubt? She’s 8 months, no she’s 8.5 months I mean, yes she’s a good baby, yes she’s very still and quiet and calm.

Can you leave me alone now? What was I doing? Why are people so nosy? I just want to go home…

This is the face of motherhood too.

When sorrow ebbs and flows, and then, the living water, from high up on that mountain, suddenly and miraculously flows. And you sleep at night, and you breathe and you take heart, because you’re a mother too, even though this is not how you expected it to be. Although your tears flow and you find yourself weeping at the foot of the cross more than you ever expected, you know that this too shall pass.

You are a mother.

And that will never change.

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8 Comments

  • Reply Melissa Naiad December 3, 2012 at 9:29 AM

    Another beautiful post Michaela. 🙂

  • Reply Becca December 2, 2012 at 10:34 PM

    This is so beautiful I want to cry. This is the honest of advent, where the darkness is fertile. Love you so.

    • Reply Michaela. December 3, 2012 at 9:58 AM

      Your comments are always so lovely.

  • Reply sacredstruggler December 2, 2012 at 4:07 PM

    What beautiful and honest writing. This is what we need to hear about motherhood! You are such an inspiration! We shouldn’t be getting only “life is great and everything is beautiful” posts and media. I am not aware of your situation,but your honesty and concerns over differently-abled children reminds me of Autism the Musical. It was beautiful and honest and complete. Thanks for writing. May you find more blessings than you ever believed.

    • Reply Michaela. December 2, 2012 at 4:08 PM

      Thank you for your kindness. It’s really touching.

  • Reply Courtney December 2, 2012 at 2:48 PM

    Oh Mic, I love how vulnerable and transparent you are. I have asked every single question in this post. I can completely relate. I still dread when people ask how old he is, I’ve come up with my own reply that usually satisfies their curiosity “he’s four, but he’s a unique four”. People would say oh look at the baby (when he was 2-3 years old) and I also got asked if he was sleeping. On those days where we are feeling the weight of the world it is much harder to handle those situations gracefully. I love you. Xoxo

    • Reply Michaela. December 2, 2012 at 4:09 PM

      I think about you all the time Courtney. Your strength is what gives me strength!

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