ramblings on this journey of faith: motherhood and fear.

August 10, 2012, Michaela Evanow, 5 Comments

I have been meditating on a scripture (see below) for the past few days, chewing it, reading it over and over (easy to do with the very detailed Amplified Bible) and feeling some of this immense pressure lift from my chest.

Although this has been a trial and we have suffered under the spell of grief and terror, I feel that it’s time to turn my face towards Jesus, the One who loves, who gives freely, good and perfect gifts. For me, it’s impossible to get through the day with the belief in my heart that Florence may not be well, and may perish. I do not believe that is Godly wisdom. It does not bring life. It breeds fear. Personally, I do not feel called into accepting the fate of the natural world for my daughter.

I feel called, finally, to step into the faith that Christ has so freely given. The faith that must be worked out in us, as Christians: Galatians 4:19 for whom I am again suffering birth pangs until Christ is completely and permanently formed (molded) within you).” It’s not easy following Jesus. It’s not easy because I am called to walk out this life here on earth in complete trust in God. It can be downright terrifying to hand over my little girl on a daily basis (and I know my faith is not perfected yet, because we’re not called to be terrified). As a mother, I can stand in agreement with the Word of God, not with my own experiences and beliefs that have shaped the box that I so often put God in. The box looks like this:

God can choose not to heal Florence to teach me a lesson. I am called to suffering, so why would I of all people, receive this gift? Whatever trials come my way are sent from the Lord. I don’t know what God will choose to do, but it could be death for my family, because that’s what I’ve seen in the past, or what others may believe. God is not fully good, because so far I have suffered immense pain and there may be more to come. God may take my daughter away so that I can more fully rely on Him. I am not worthy of anything.

Friends, for me, those are lies my heart has believed. None of those past heart beliefs (not scriptural beliefs) bring me peace or victory or bring glory to God.

You may disagree, based on your personal experiences. Fine.  But my heart is overwhelmed with the belief that God is good and He loves me and He has called us into life. I am not perfect or wise or special. I’m just walking through this journey that very few people I know are also walking through.

I have come to a place of peace where I’m at in this journey of faith. Things have not gone as planned. That’s okay. Will I look forward with anticipation that things may still not go as planned? No. Will I praise God in all circumstances? Yes. But I have had to learn that God isn’t always glorified in our suffering, if we don’t suffer well. We can bring people down with us, in fear and sadness. But we also can’t pretend that everything is fine and robotically walk out what the scriptures say. We have to persuade our hearts (that may be wrenching in fear and disbelief, running to “Google it”, refusing to walk through it) that what the scriptures say are actually truth. This is when we are pressed, but not crushed, so that God may be given all the glory, because it is by no human strength that we can overcome.

“Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.

Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.

But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.

If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.

Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind.

For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord,

[For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides].

Let the brother in humble circumstances glory in his elevation [as a Christian, called to the true riches and to be an heir of God],

22 But be doers of the Word [obey the message], and not merely listeners to it, betraying yourselves [into deception by reasoning contrary to the Truth].

23 For if anyone only listens to the Word without obeying it and being a doer of it, he is like a man who looks carefully at his [own] natural face in a mirror; 24 For he thoughtfully observes himself, and then goes off and promptly forgets what he was like.”

James 1:2-9, 22-23 (Amplified Bible)

on the day of your birth.

5 Comments

  • Reply Maripat Rawson August 14, 2012 at 2:52 PM

    Beloved believers, God is so good! Of Himself He says, “I AM.” Jesus told us not to consider (entertain) what we will eat or wear … He says look away from that distracting thought to the lily’s of the field. Lily’s don’t have brains. Lily’s can’t ‘think’ or ‘choose.’ They simply are what God has created them to be. Lily’s thrive in the moment to which they have life. So, simple as this sounds, Jesus told us to allow our thoughts to be governed by the fact that He is enough for any situation. Jesus lived in the minute He was drawing breath. The path before Him was going to be a hard one – a road where He was to be separated from God His Father. Jesus knew this was His sure future. Jesus said it was for this purpose He came. Jesus knew He couldn’t rush ahead of the appointment or linger behind to avoid it. Jesus embraced it.
    We here on earth are not Jesus but we have a path to walk, a road to follow and a Wonderful, Almighty God to hold us safe in each and every moment. Just as Jesus could not step out of God’s moment neither can we. But we can live for Him in quiet and safety one second, one minute, one hour at a time knowing we are fulfilling our purpose in Christ.
    We don’t have to doubt Who God is no matter what others think. We know Who He is because of the Word of God. God is good. God is Life. God is all in all.
    God is God for baby Flo … God will not fail or forsake, no, not ever. (Hebrews 13:5)
    And God is God for Michaela and Jason and Jack and Bevie and Josh and young Jackson.
    You are all lily’s of God’s making. You are beautiful and have life and nothing can take it from you. God shines His face upon you. He is gracious to you. He will keep safe your hearts. Rest in knowing that the one minute you have that will make a difference as you make your way through this earthly journey is the one in which you are living right now. And right now is safe.
    Let all that love within you bathe your tried hearts with peace. God is God!
    I love you and pray with and for you. I bless you with the Spirit of God Who hovers over you to guard and keep you. Maripat

    • Reply Michaela. August 15, 2012 at 10:34 AM

      that refreshed my soul! thank you Maripat.

  • Reply Bev. Nash (Grandma) August 11, 2012 at 9:38 AM

    Michaela and Jason, we are with you on this journey all the way. THIS IS THE VICTORY THAT OVERCOMES…EVEN OUR FAITH. I see you are catching the wave of the true love of God. Knowing God’s finished work through Jesus, and His unfathomable love, experiencing it. Knowing His goodness, which is His Glory. We are New Covenant believers! We have what Jesus has, His full inheritance He received from the Father. We are in Him, and He is in us! We will stand still and see the salvation of the Lord! Love you so much……We stand bravely on the promises of God, which are Yes and Amen!

  • Reply Life and all things love August 11, 2012 at 9:02 AM

    Will pray for you and this sweet baby. May God bring peace and healing!

  • Reply Mrs Loquacious August 10, 2012 at 11:29 AM

    Per verses 5-6, may He grant you and Jay great wisdom to walk through this season in Truth and faith and hope and joy. We continue to pray for you and ask Him for healing.

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