ramblings on this journey of faith: motherhood and fear.
I have been meditating on a scripture (see below) for the past few days, chewing it, reading it over and over (easy to do with the very detailed Amplified Bible) and feeling some of this immense pressure lift from my chest.
Although this has been a trial and we have suffered under the spell of grief and terror, I feel that it’s time to turn my face towards Jesus, the One who loves, who gives freely, good and perfect gifts. For me, it’s impossible to get through the day with the belief in my heart that Florence may not be well, and may perish. I do not believe that is Godly wisdom. It does not bring life. It breeds fear. Personally, I do not feel called into accepting the fate of the natural world for my daughter.
I feel called, finally, to step into the faith that Christ has so freely given. The faith that must be worked out in us, as Christians: Galatians 4:19 ” for whom I am again suffering birth pangs until Christ is completely and permanently formed (molded) within you).” It’s not easy following Jesus. It’s not easy because I am called to walk out this life here on earth in complete trust in God. It can be downright terrifying to hand over my little girl on a daily basis (and I know my faith is not perfected yet, because we’re not called to be terrified). As a mother, I can stand in agreement with the Word of God, not with my own experiences and beliefs that have shaped the box that I so often put God in. The box looks like this:
God can choose not to heal Florence to teach me a lesson. I am called to suffering, so why would I of all people, receive this gift? Whatever trials come my way are sent from the Lord. I don’t know what God will choose to do, but it could be death for my family, because that’s what I’ve seen in the past, or what others may believe. God is not fully good, because so far I have suffered immense pain and there may be more to come. God may take my daughter away so that I can more fully rely on Him. I am not worthy of anything.
Friends, for me, those are lies my heart has believed. None of those past heart beliefs (not scriptural beliefs) bring me peace or victory or bring glory to God.
You may disagree, based on your personal experiences. Fine. But my heart is overwhelmed with the belief that God is good and He loves me and He has called us into life. I am not perfect or wise or special. I’m just walking through this journey that very few people I know are also walking through.
I have come to a place of peace where I’m at in this journey of faith. Things have not gone as planned. That’s okay. Will I look forward with anticipation that things may still not go as planned? No. Will I praise God in all circumstances? Yes. But I have had to learn that God isn’t always glorified in our suffering, if we don’t suffer well. We can bring people down with us, in fear and sadness. But we also can’t pretend that everything is fine and robotically walk out what the scriptures say. We have to persuade our hearts (that may be wrenching in fear and disbelief, running to “Google it”, refusing to walk through it) that what the scriptures say are actually truth. This is when we are pressed, but not crushed, so that God may be given all the glory, because it is by no human strength that we can overcome.
“Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations.
3 Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience.
4 But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing.
5 If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.
6 Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind.
7 For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord,
8 [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides].
9 Let the brother in humble circumstances glory in his elevation [as a Christian, called to the true riches and to be an heir of God],
22 But be doers of the Word [obey the message], and not merely listeners to it, betraying yourselves [into deception by reasoning contrary to the Truth].
23 For if anyone only listens to the Word without obeying it and being a doer of it, he is like a man who looks carefully at his [own] natural face in a mirror; 24 For he thoughtfully observes himself, and then goes off and promptly forgets what he was like.”
James 1:2-9, 22-23 (Amplified Bible)