I choose life for you Florence.
I am not letting you go.
I am not going to let my heart go to those dark places anymore.
I am seeking peace in the perfect place of my Saviour’s arms.
I am experiencing grace and love and faith like never before.
Faith is not just a word that looks pretty painted on a piece of wood and hung on the front door. Faith is not just a middle name. Faith is an action, that can sometimes bring embarrassment, when others don’t agree with you. But true Faith stands strong when others look at you with pity or expect the worse for your child.
Florence, I don’t expect the worse for you. I am not in denial. I just believe that my Jesus has the best plans for you. And those plans don’t include death, wasting away or wheelchairs. Those plans are the plans I had for you before I knew the “diagnosis.” I may have wavered for a few weeks, when fear got the best of me, but just like that split second during labor, when I thought “I’m not sure if I can do this,” I turned my face towards the heavens and said “Yes, I am doing this, I am birthing this baby, I am bringing forth life in the best possible way.”
I think on those things.
I am not willing to accept the diagnosis. And I don’t care if others roll their eyes or pray in fear. Just in case.
The other night, I broke down again (somedays if feels like the tears will never stop flowing). But the Lord highlighted a scripture to me, and as I wept, I read these blurry lines in Mark 5:35-43:
35 While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” they said. “Why bother the teacher anymore?”
36 Overhearing[a] what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”
37 He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. 38 When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. 39 He went in and said to them,“Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” 40 But they laughed at him.
After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. 41 He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). 42 Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished.
When I read the line, “Why all this commotion and wailing?” I knew Jesus was speaking directly to my mother heart that was currently being blackened by fear and dread and pain.
And at that moment, I chose to believe in the Word of God. The Bible that says, “Do not fear.” It’s a command.
So I command my heart from now on to believe the truth. My faith is not in doctors and blood work, although it can feel easier to simply succumb to those things.
But I won’t Florence, I promise I will not. God has called you into life and healing, and I will muster up all the strength in my heart to walk forward in that.
It’s just like that blissful moment when I reached 10 centimeters during your labor (captured below: see? I was so ready to meet you! Those are happy tears!)
I knew that a big mountain had moved out of my way. I knew that I had to push forward still, but there was a prize at the end. It was going to be worth it. I couldn’t stop here, firstly because my body was propelling me forward, and secondly because I wanted to give you life and see you on the outside. My faith in Jesus is like that too. It is propelling me forward. It is urging me on. Do not fear. Just believe.