saturating the heart in truth: motherhood and fear.
I’ve been thinking about my birth experience with Florence, and how thankful I am that all went so well. It was a gift. It was such an uplifting, empowering and beautiful time.
And yet I feel so confused by it all. Stunned. Shocked. Seeing that this came out of nowhere, you can imagine how hard it is to comprehend the situation. I look back on the birth experience, and feel the terror rise in my throat for the unsuspecting me that just gave birth…am I thankful for those 3.5 months of bliss? Yes. But do I still feel threatened by this news? Yes.
However, do I believe that God wills death, suffering, destruction? Absolutely not. I have turned to God in anger before, when I went through my own physical suffering. I will admit I felt like my quota was full…I thought I was covered until I was at least 70.
But no, that’s not how this world riddled with pain works. And though you yourself may struggle with blaming God for pain and suffering, I am learning that deep down inside, I do not believe that. These things do not come for God. And so often we expect a saviour when we refuse to call him the Saviour. God can handle it. But I don’t think it’s right. And as a Church, I don’t believe our doctrine is correct: that whatever happens is God’s will. He allows sifting, but not destruction. He equips but does not destroy.
You may disagree, but I don’t care. I am not giving up (that doesn’t mean this struggle is without tears and turmoil). I do not doubt that God can work miracles.
This is my journey. Come along if you like.
I am having these printed and plan to post them in Flo’s room. I am drilling these promises into my head.
Instead of waking up with the name of her diagnosis in my head (this is coming, when I’m ready…), I want to wake up with the Truth. Oh, it’s totally hard, let me tell you, but I plan to fight. I’ve realized I’ve been giving in to the temptation to mourn, to go into despair. There is a difference between expressing the emotions I’m feeling (it’s impossible to keep those at bay) and giving into them. As Florence’s mama, I have to stand in the truth, I have to stand in faith. Just like I had to carry her in my womb for 9 months, so too do I have to carry her precious heart, covering her, crowning her with life.