saturating the heart in truth: motherhood and fear.

July 27, 2012, Michaela Evanow, 9 Comments

I’ve been thinking about my birth experience with Florence, and how thankful I am that all went so well. It was a gift. It was such an uplifting, empowering and beautiful time.

And yet I feel so confused by it all. Stunned. Shocked. Seeing that this came out of nowhere, you can imagine how hard it is to comprehend the situation. I look back on the birth experience, and feel the terror rise in my throat for the unsuspecting me that just gave birth…am I thankful for those 3.5 months of bliss? Yes. But do I still feel threatened by this news? Yes.

However, do I believe that God wills death, suffering, destruction? Absolutely not. I have turned to God in anger before, when I went through my own physical suffering. I will admit I felt like my quota was full…I thought I was covered until I was at least 70.

But no, that’s not how this world riddled with pain works. And though you yourself may struggle with blaming God for pain and suffering, I am learning that deep down inside, I do not believe that. These things do not come for God. And so often we expect a saviour when we refuse to call him the Saviour. God can handle it. But I don’t think it’s right. And as a Church, I don’t believe our doctrine is correct: that whatever happens is God’s will. He allows sifting, but not destruction. He equips but does not destroy.

You may disagree, but I don’t care. I am not giving up (that doesn’t mean this struggle is without tears and turmoil). I do not doubt that God can work miracles.

This is my journey. Come along if you like.

I am having these printed and plan to post them in Flo’s room. I am drilling these promises into my head.

Instead of waking up with the name of her diagnosis in my head (this is coming, when I’m ready…), I want to wake up with the Truth. Oh, it’s totally hard, let me tell you, but I plan to fight. I’ve realized I’ve been giving in to the temptation to mourn, to go into despair. There is a difference between expressing the emotions I’m feeling (it’s impossible to keep those at bay) and giving into them. As Florence’s mama, I have to stand in the truth, I have to stand in faith. Just like I had to carry her in my womb for 9 months, so too do I have to carry her precious heart, covering her, crowning her with life.

9 Comments

  • Reply Gayle Stuart July 28, 2012 at 5:36 PM

    So beautifully written Michaela and so true…Life is unpredictable, but God is always faithful, never changing and always true to His Word. We walk with you on this journey and we hold you up in prayer and we love you so much, Auntie Gayle and Bruce xoxo

    • Reply Michaela. July 31, 2012 at 4:31 PM

      I was wondering who this was…duh, it’s you Auntie! Nice last name 😉 Thank you for walking with us.

  • Reply Maripat Rawson July 27, 2012 at 9:17 PM

    Bless you and bless Flo … and bless the Name above all names, Whose way is perfect. I believe with you.

  • Reply graysmatter July 27, 2012 at 8:10 PM

    Our hearts (mine, Mrs Ls, and Baby L) go out to Flo, Jason, and you Michaela. Praying for you always.

  • Reply Bev. Nash (Grandma) July 27, 2012 at 7:44 PM

    Yes, Yes, and amen! What a warrior! What a believer! We stand with you, immovable! Love those scriptures you are putting in Florrie’s room and declaring the promises of God over her. This is the victory that overcomes, even our faith. Our hearts are beating in one accord, the law of agreement, coming into play. Warriors arise, shields raised, declaring the truth, the sword in our mouths, riding into the victory He has won for us! Love you so much, Mom

  • Reply gerg's July 27, 2012 at 5:51 PM

    Dearest Michaela,
    Your lionness spirit seen working in faith mingled with tears, has brought me to tears. You know this, but I’m reminding you & agreeing with you that YOU. ARE. RIGHT. You are right to Hope. You are right to believe what the Lord says daily. You are right to Trust Him. You are right to demand whatever good it is you demand for Florence – and I am demanding it with you.
    I love you and I look up to your bright shining example of a mother who is willing to die for her child, if even only to herself. I love you so much. I wish I could give Florence a huge hug & kiss – those cheeks are so kissable!!
    You have the Lord’s Best. Yes. You do.

    • Reply Michaela. July 27, 2012 at 6:32 PM

      Laurie, you’re always sending overwhelming love with your words. I thank you for that.

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