worth the weight: pregnancy is not for the faint of heart.
I have mentioned in a previous post, about how tiny I used to be before pregnancy. It’s no secret that some women get huge while pregnant, depending on the size of their baby, genes, and fluid levels. Who knows what will happen to your body when you put two different people together (in my case, two very different people). The only thing we kind of share is our body ‘type’: lean and long. I’m not tall at 5’6, but I have long arms and legs, fingers and toes. And of course, if you’ve seen Jay, he is long and tall and fiercely handsome (and 6’6).
And so, couple together our baby weights (J: 9.2lbs, M: 9.9lbs) and genes, and it was no surprise that Florence came out weighing 9.3lbs. However, it was a surprise how much my body compensated. Now, I’m not getting all weird and self conscious here, but this girl’s got to stare at her post pregnancy body every day in bewilderment and shock, and sometimes with tears (only on a bad day, but those are decreasing). While you’re pregnant, you somehow embrace every little stretch and fold, because it’s a miracle. Your body is a beautiful vessel. Who the heck cares what happens to it, as long as baby comes out fine and dandy.
Well, I care.
My size 4 frame expanded and stretched to a size 12 (at least that’s what the Chinese seamstresses tell me, but maybe they’re wrong) And thanks to these double D’s or E’s as the Motherhood Maternity saleslady happily informed me (I gasped in horror), I can bust out of any and every piece of clothing I own. Now that is wild and weird. Size doesn’t matter, but it kind of does when you’re in a wedding in a few months as the maid of honor (and all that’s on my mind is how are my boobs going to fit into my dress and I pray I don’t leak through it). Truth be told, they don’t fit and I’m working on a master plan (involving a tailor). And I found some awesome disposable breast pads that work (Lansinoh). Sorry environment, you just don’t produce leak proof reusable pads. Unless someone knows something I don’t!
So let’s be clear. My body is beautiful. It grew and birthed a baby 6 weeks ago. But it’s foreign to me, and somewhat scary. That’s okay. But somedays it feels like it isn’t, and I just want my body back. These boobs aren’t going anywhere, that I understand. Now I know why big boobs can be such a burden. Everything looks big on you! Everyone…stares. My back hurts. I feel huge! And so on and so forth. Also, there is a lot of stored breast milk fat (well that’s what I like to call it) hanging out on my tummy and thighs and elsewhere that freaks me out. I’m not sure what the timeline is for getting your body back, but I fear I never will. My bones have stretched for goodness sakes. I have hips! I have stretch marks (whoever said they were genetic is a ruddy liar, because my mum never had them). Although my husband embraces it, I have yet to hold it tight and call it mine. I’m just being honest. I don’t need pity, but a “Yes, I feel the same way!” might do me good. I know not every woman gets humungous. I always felt a little green when I’d see these gorgeous petite women carrying a nice bowling ball out front, with no excess fat anywhere else. Wasn’t that supposed to be me? I guess not.
In the end, the whole experiences was worth it, and Lord help me, wonderful. I swore I’d never think that, but once you go through it, once you give birth, and when you’re staring at your little baby child everyday, you know you will do it again one day.
Here’s my humble journey from 6 weeks to delivery. I love you Florence. You are worth the weight! (no pun intended, but that’s a good one).