there are good days and bad days.
There are good days and bad days in motherhood. That’s a given. Yesterday was a terribly bad day as far as my motherhood journey has gone thus far. I had to take Flo to the pediatrician, thanks to my midwife’s referral. In Canada, no one sees a pediatrician unless your family doctor refers you, and you usually don’t want to see one, because that means something is wrong. My midwife was worried about Flo’s trembling legs (they do shudder quite often). She said she had never seen anything so pronounced, so she’d prefer I got it checked out. Of course all the alarm bells went off in my head.
All day long I tried not to cry, and I succeeded. Almost. I think a few little tears formed as I nursed her in the exam room, stripped down to her diaper, so vulnerable in my arms, so warm and overtired. It felt so far removed from my motherhood experience so far, which has been at home, gentle and warm, not fluorescent and clinical. My heart was aching for the mother’s of sick infants or children, and how on such a beautiful day, there could be such sorrow. But God is good and gracious, and there is a never ending well of strength we can draw from.
The doctor said her trembling legs were due to an immature nervous system which is completely normal. He took one look at her and shrugged his shoulders. “Totally normal.” Her little patch of thrush? “Barley there.” Her breast milk jaundice? “Meh, that’s nothing.” And so, I discovered once the baby is born, the roles of the midwife and doctor reverse. Midwives may tend to be over cautious, while a doctor sees things as normal. I also learned that worry has no place in a mother’s heart (but it’s there) because she will worry herself to death. So I didn’t worry all day long, I just kept praying and singing and opening the windows to let the sunshine come in.
The worry came when I left the doctor’s office, with Florence in my arms, my purse and nothing else and stared at the very empty street where I had parked my car. It was empty of parked cars, but not moving cars…And then I burst into tears and called Jay. “She’s fine. But…I’m such an idiot,” I sobbed, “I’m such an overtired mum right now, I can’t believe the car got towed, because I parked in the ‘No Parking from 3-6’ zone and I have nothing, just nothing and—“ I balled. I just let it all hang out while Florence gurgled happily over my shoulder and the rush hour traffic zoomed by. Jay came to the rescue, but not after two hours of sorting through the mess (car seats are a pain in the arse) while I held my baby in my sore arms in the waiting room (mercifully falling asleep in a few minutes).
Anyway, today has been much nicer. The sweet smell of spring is in the air, and it’s warm enough to sun bathe. Florence is well rested and happy, and I had a wonderful sleep last night (it’s amazing how that can make or break your day…)
Celebrating today (it’s a Carole King and Aretha Franklin kind of day)
The garden has been planted! Up front are patches of Italian parsley left over from last year. They have basically become a weed in the garden, which is awesome. The next row has some peppermint (also a major “weed”), rhubarb and chives. The beautiful thing about our Pacific Northwest climate is not much is killed off over the winter. The rest are vegetables and of course, a few rows of Marigolds, because they are a gardens best friend!
Our block is the only one with six beautiful cherry blossom trees clustered together. People are always stopping to photograph them. We’re blessed enough to see them every day from all our windows and the deck.
Miss Marigold using more of her muscles every day. It’s lovely seeing her eyes open more often these days, but I do miss those early, early newborn days when I would put her in the stroller for a walk and she would be out in two seconds! Takes more time now…
I love hearing the fluttering of the neighbors hanging laundry. It can only happen a few months out of the year!
Blissfully asleep in the warmth of the sun. Just enough vitamin D to warm mama’s toes and hopefully kick the lingering jaundice from her system.