you have my ears and other ramblings of a new mother.

March 30, 2012, Michaela Evanow, 7 Comments

Here you are, pressed against my chest, hiding my three week postpartum belly beneath your legs (thank you). Chest to chest, I can hear you breathing. You are woven close to me in your favourite wrap. Looking down I see your seashell ears, perfectly formed. When you were first born, one ear was folded down, just a little. I imagined you pressed against my bones, your ear, so soft and pliable, feeling the pressure of fluids and contractions.

Just a week ago or so, it finally unfolded, now forming a beautiful matching pair. You have my ears. I like my ears.

A newborn is constantly changing, and you’re no different. I see so much of your papa in you, yet I know you are mine, because you radiate your mama’s vibes. I must admit, I’m a little nervous, because I was a feisty little child. I can see it in your eyes–you know what you want. But besides your will, I see you have my nose and eyes. I see these things, and can scarcely believe it.

When you were tucked in my womb, I thought about you all day long, and what you would look like, feel like, how you would respond to this world. And now that you’re here…I’m simply taking each day as it comes. I’m aware of how fast time is flying by. You were born three weeks ago. The day I went into labour…well it feels like ages ago. Not only were you born, but I was born again as a mother. It was not and is not an easy transformation. Unlike you, mothers are not born overnight, although they blossom rather quickly.

The first two weeks, I actually felt like running away, just a little. I would feel this wave of exhaustion and anxiety, mostly when 8:00pm rolled around. The nights seemed endless and scary. Could I handle this? I was being broken; my selfishness was getting stretched away from the marrow, and it hurt.

It’s no longer just about me. I thought pregnancy would teach me that, but alas, it did not. And so, I pour out my love and warmth and milk all day and all night long, and pray that you grow strong, and not too fast. I cannot believe you depend on me.

You are so helpless right now, it breaks my heart. People say that my God doesn’t care about us, hides His goodness behind a facade of religion or buries women in the background. But it’s not true. I am being shown every single day, how blessed and beautiful and strong I am. God gives women one of the greatest gifts He could bestow upon humans. He calls us mothers, deems us worthy of raising children, feeding them, nurturing them. He sets us free. Women have an inner strength that is fierce. My admiration for mothers who have raised little ones stretches far and wide (mum, you are at the top of the list). And I cannot believe I’m stepping into that role.

I thought my hands and eyes had touched and seen some pretty magnificent things.

But nothing compares to the weight of you in my arms.

7 Comments

  • Reply Becca April 1, 2012 at 7:36 PM

    Thanks for sharing mic – so true hey. I totally resonate with feeling overwhelmed with how dependent saf was on me when he was first born … And the nights feeling endless. It’s amazing how unphased I am by the thought of being woken in the night now 20 months later … Our capacity really does grow. Wish I could give baby flo a cuddle and be a mama next to you …

    • Reply Michaela. April 2, 2012 at 10:57 AM

      oh I wish that too!!
      It’s amazing how everyday my capacity expands…getting up in the night is easier and easier. But it’s so good to hear it gets better, and doesn’t phase you now!

  • Reply Modi March 30, 2012 at 9:25 PM

    Becoming a mother has easily been one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences of my entire life. Congrats to you. She is one beautiful baby. Lovely post;)

  • Reply Chelsea March 30, 2012 at 7:28 PM

    Love this michaela!! Amazing story that must be shared!! You are my favorite blog:) and the whole world need’s to hear your voice!! If you (Michaela’s friends and family) believe that this blog need’s to be shared, then join me, and SHARE it on your facebook. That’s the easiest way…but word of mouth referrals is the most POWERFUL way of advertising something that is “good”..and this blog is not only “good” but “great”. Seeing a mother cherishing motherhood, giving up the life of independence, and finding joy in her child, is not something people witness everyday. Hearing stories is a way that many will find the hope and faith to change things in their lives, that maybe need to be changed. Stories spur us on to more, more faith, more love, more of what is so deeply etched in our hearts. Won’t you be the one to bring hope to people that truly need hope? or bring a little more love into a mother’s life that just “isn’t feeling the love” for her babies. We can do amazing things together, so SHARE away!!

    • Reply Bev. Nash (Grandma) March 31, 2012 at 8:58 AM

      Yes, I agree with Chelsea. This needs to be heard. Great read, Michaela, and oh so true! Love your expression and love you! Mom

  • Reply Gina @ Oaxacaborn March 30, 2012 at 4:05 PM

    This is touching & beautiful!

  • Reply Mrs Loquacious March 30, 2012 at 3:57 PM

    You gorgeous mama! 🙂 So glad to hear the awe in your voice as you gaze upon your adorable little girl. God is so good to us, isn’t He? It’s amazing to partner with Him in creation and to be blessed with the care of another life.

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