what it means to thrive.

January 2, 2012, Michaela Evanow, 3 Comments

Just a few housekeeping tips before I start! I’ve changed the look of my blog to make it easier to access past posts, subscribe to the blog (see top left), read previous posts and access a few other tidbits of information. If you would like to comment and don’t know how, here’s the lowdown: On the right hand corner of a post is the Leave a Comment button, or it may say 2 Comments, etc. Click it. It will take you to a comment box, where you can write what you like. Then click the Post Comment box in the bottom right. In addition, to Like a post, click the Like button at the bottom of the post! Viola!

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It feels like most of 2011 was overwhelmed by thoughts of pregnancy, battles with nausea and vomiting and food. But as I look back, I remember that I was once myself. In the early months of 2011, it was just me. I was a tiny bird. Flying solo. I look back at pictures of my pre pregnancy self in awe. Who is that person?

Above is a picture of my mum and I, just a few weeks prior to conception.

Below, a very pregnant me at 29 weeks (7 months) taken 2 weeks ago.

Before getting pregnant (and before things started to look brighter at 30 weeks), I loved to escape into the exotic warmth of world music, collect things, make things, rearrange things, cook things. My mind was a blank slate, free from trials and pre-baby to do lists. I made an effort. I could squat and feel my bones, rather than foreign flesh hugging my calves. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever and called it dinner. I didn’t gain a pound, weighing the same for the past…8 years. I drank big cups of coffee, sipped wine and frothy hefeweizens. I loved to throw parties. I could walk and run and hurry to catch the bus. Running errands wasn’t an all day affair but a part of life. I had friends in every corner of the city (and then they all moved away, down to my best friend, moving across the country in my first trimester).
I understand that pregnancy can be hard and isolating. I know what it feels like to be alone, swallowing the lump in my throat (or letting it all hang out in flashes of tears so hot and real). I felt like I was fighting my own battles, slamming my fists onto the bathroom floor, asking “Why, why, why Lord?”
One day my midwife looked at me, during the dark days of the early second trimester. She leaned over, placed her hands on her knees and looked right at me.
“Are you doing okay? You know this is hard, right? You’re sick well past the first trimester, and that sucks. How is your support network?”
My bottom lip trembled and I felt that icky tingly feeling you get right before you know you’re going to cry but really don’t want to.
“I–I…don’t really have anyone, besides my husband. I have amazing people in my life. But most of them live far away. Many have moved. I miss my mum…I’m afraid—I’m afraid no one will bring me casseroles after the baby is born!”
And then I sobbed, right there in her office. I couldn’t stop. But then I did. And I felt that woozy warmth right after a good cry and sighed.
“You’re going to make it, Michaela. You are strong. You are a mother.”
Whether it was me or my midwife saying those words, I can’t tell.
And just like that, I was healed. God began to bring a new community into my life. I felt alive once again. God, with all his wondrous love, came down and spoke to my broken heart and lifted me from the dust. He strengthened my weary bones and filled my mother heart with an iron clad determination to survive, to thrive.
I wouldn’t trade this journey in for the world. I am a home. I ferociously cover a child with my skin, my hands, my prayers. Though it has been hard, and has pulled me down roads that are often isolating and mysterious, I know that the bright days of motherhood are coming around the corner. I don’t know if every mother feels this way before the baby comes, but I know it’s a very unique place to be, a very holy place that demands time and marination and thought.

3 Comments

  • Reply worth the weight: pregnancy is not for the faint of heart. « Babushka Mama April 17, 2012 at 1:46 PM

    […] have mentioned in a previous post, about how tiny I used to be before pregnancy. It’s no secret that some women get huge while […]

  • Reply Fia January 6, 2012 at 7:41 PM

    I will bring you casseroles when the baby is born!!!

  • Reply Mrs Loquacious January 2, 2012 at 1:26 PM

    Wow girlie – in so many ways we walk the same path, and in just as many ways I feel like our journeys are worlds apart! We too face the lack of familial support here (everyone, I mean everyone is in Alberta), and so many of my closest friends are outside of BC. And yet, we are sort of embracing that. We love the fact that we can establish our own little family routines and traditions without the outside pressures and unsolicited advice and influence of those who love us and probably think they know what’s best for us. We cherish the time we can spend, just the 3 of us, bonding and growing in love with one another and becoming our own family rather than just part of the larger community.

    But if you’d like a casserole, honey I can make you a casserole 😉 A vegan one even!

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