This pains my heart to write this. I have always loved breast feeding and always will.
My breast feeding journey began with Florence 13 months ago, and it started off so well. I’ve always had ample milk, never struggled with latch issues or pain. I gladly fed her in public, was happy to nurse her to sleep. I love it all. And considering she was diagnosed with SMA 1 at 3.5 months, our breast feeding journey has been an extravagant gift. I cherished every. single. moment. Every feed, I gazed into her eyes, and she looked back at me with her eyes the color of a meadow at dusk, and we shared love. Deep, spiritual, meaningful love that only a mother and child can share.
And just like that, it ends. No more breastfeeding. It was 3 weeks ago today that I last breastfed her. I didn’t know it would be our last time. I can barely remember it, the experience muddled by the crackling in her chest, her fitful sleeping, the fear of going to the ER.
I ache.
I want to comfort her. I want to nurse away her pain.
I want to feed her one more time. I WANT TO GIVE HER MY MILK. This is what my heart and body are screaming.
But I know I can’t.
I can pump and did for a while but my supply dropped. And its not the same. She used to breastfeed 4-5 times a day. The milk is sitting now, waiting, and slowly leaving me.
And all of the solid food I’ve picked out so carefully, the high calorie, ultra smooth and organic mixes I’ve spent time researching. No longer needed. The frozen homemade food I just made, sitting in useless cubes in the freezer.
She has a Jejunum tube hanging out her tummy now, and in 6 weeks it will hopefully be a Gastrostomy tube as well. It will be a smaller button rather than an external tube. I keep fearing I will accidentally rip it out of her.
We know this tube will probably make life easier. Although I didn’t mind feeding her, taking the time, changing her positions every few seconds, feeding her food in the tub. I will miss it all. And I wish I could have made the choice to let breast feeding go, I wish it wasn’t an emergency wean. I want to help her understand that it wasn’t my choice to stop.
Knowing a JG tube will decrease the likelihood of aspiration pneumonia brings me a lot of peace. Although it hasn’t been proven that she aspirates food, the tube is just another step in “managing” SMA. I am happy to have it in one sense, yet also reject the “it is more convenient” smiles.
So now, when we do go home, we will have a tube fed toddler, who once ate real food, drank her mama’s milk. The doctors will suggest no food or drink by mouth, say the tube is forever. But I disagree. I have to, yet again, believe for more. I was not ready for a tube months ago. Never. I couldn’t. But grace has come into this hard place and kneaded out the knots of fear.
Trust.
Let go.
Be thankful for the 13 months of breastfeeding and bonding.
Let it go again.
Grieve the loss of it, but don’t be destroyed by it.
And I say to my heart, God is still good.
Thank you to my friend Morag Hastings of Apple Blossom Families for generously offering to shoot a breast-feeding session for us. I will cherish these pictures. They make me cry now, because that season is over, but I’m thankful I have these pictures so I don’t forget what a beautiful gift it was to nurse my Florence Marigold.
I have not asked where God is in all of this, because I’ve learned over these past 13 months that God is always here. We cannot base our belief in God on our feelings towards Him.
But, I have felt confusion.
I have had my chats with the Lord, asking why, why this bad, and what the heck? My mind is a mess. Although there is peace and yes, even joy, I feel a little stunned. And I think that’s how we all feel when we go through trauma. When our newborn needs major cardiac surgery, when our 5 year old child has cancer, when a car accident is fatal, when we get a diagnosis for a chronic illness…all of a sudden we are derailed.
This hurts.
I’m confused.
But God is always good. I wish, oh how I wish I could have engrained this into my heart before any of these trails came along. I wish I could tell you to let it sink in, that God is love and compassion, that He has a heart that breaks and a heart that is full of mercy.
And terrible things still happen.
We are not immune from suffering. Are we?
When I was in India catching babies, and spending time in the NICU with the unwanted and abandoned babies, sick and dying infants, small bodies getting cold and feet and hands slowly hardening from rigor mortis, I felt the waves of sorrow. Strong, big and ugly waves. In a foreign world. And yet I’m reminded, being here on this cot splattered with blue and white checkers, that pain happens here too. I felt I had carried enough sorrows from my time in India to last a lifetime. Helpless infants. Disease that medicine cannot cure. It’s here, staring at me again.
But, I believe my God turns the ugly into the divine, makes the broken things whole, the crooked straight. I believe He is in the ash heap, making all beautiful.
One thing He has spoken to me over and over is that He is the God of redemption. I don’t know what it looks like, how it will turn out, but I know He’s my Redeemer.
So I will wait, breathless with anticipation or silent and still, unable to make my voice sing. I will wait for You.
What else can I do?
I haven’t cried a lot since our ER ordeal. Even then I was in a state of placid calm. I nearly passed out from my fight or flight response but didn’t cry much. Mostly I cry from the notes and words and prayers sent from people all over the world.
It is humbling, it is a gorgeous gift, so bright and beautiful. I just sob while reading the stories people send me, of how they came across my blog, how they saw one photo of Florence and were entranced, how they can’t stop thinking about us, how they want to be with us on our journey even though they have never met us. And mostly, how they don’t understand it, but they cannot stop rooting for her and believing and praying. Believing for so much more than just healing from this pneumonia. The world believes in miracles, you know.
And the family and friends here, in our city. Well, the endless gifts and words of love and encouragement are over the top. We even have friends sending packages from across North America to our home. I feel so unworthy of all this affection and love and outpouring from a strong and responsive village.
And yet, yesterday God just gave me a smile and said, “stop feeling unworthy. Too many of my children do. Accept the love they give. Don’t be embarrassed. No one is forcing them to do it. It’s my big heart of love in them that propels them into action, makes them want to help carry the burden. Receive it all.”
So, I humbly receive all of your love, from Starbucks or Whole Foods gift cards to homemade meals and bottles of kombucha to 5cent candies and Rescue Remedy pastilles. Packages of goodies we can’t wait to enjoy, little things for Flo. It speaks directly to my heart, since I love hand picked gifts because they are so thoughtful.
Your long letters and stories warm my heart too, so very much. It’s like a chocolate advent calendar of words, one to open every hour.
Bless you all. Bless you for thinking of my girl all day, for dreaming of her round face, for holding us up under the elbows.
We have really, really beautiful people in our lives.
I am also so thankful to my husband for sleeping with Florence and letting me get some sleep. 13 months of getting up in the night has paid off! His turn and his idea.
6:30PM
I sit here on my bed, nausea sending darts of upheaval throughout my body. Not again. I can’t stand that I get so sick and anxious when something happens to Florence. I feel weak and useless. I cry more from the bouts of nausea, as they make me painfully aware of my humanness and low capacity for stress.
My nerves are shot.
Florence is lying between my legs watching a movie on the iPad, one of the only things that will distract her when she’s sick.
And she is sick again. Just when I thought the season of sickness was over. I got a little cold and now she seems to have fluid in her lung and a cough. I am tired of this. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to enjoy the sunny day, not be derailed by fear and sickness and potential hospital admittance.
10:30 PM
We are in the ER. They take one look at her and go into action. I feel faint and my knees give way. They exchange words, each person responsible for something. I stand back, watching the hands flutter, the wires, needles, oxygen.
By the end of the night, we are utterly exhausted and our adrenaline has died down. We sink into a deep sleep, grateful for a small room with a bed and a couch. It seems to be the only room of its kind and we are blessed to have it.
She has been intubated, has an NG tube for feeds again, and there are wires of morphine and antibiotics and other liquids. She is so sedated she can barely open her eyes. She smells like band aids and sweet Pampers and the starchy linens seem too rough against her peachy, soft skin.
I feel so helpless. This is not my girl. I imagine her dancing with Jesus, running through soft grass to see her Creator, playing with Him as he covers her with his wings. I picture her having an out of body experience. This gives me comfort.
My eyes always seem to be browner after crying hundreds of tears. I’m startled by their intensity, by the shimmer, the way they stand out against my blonde eyebrows and smattering of freckles.
I want to see her eyes so desperately, I want to gaze into them, and shine my love on her. But she barely opens them.
Florence: You are my beloved child, and I will never give up on you. Though your body is weak and your strength seems to be waning, I know you have the strength of Christ in your bones. You are a princess, my child, and nothing can take that away. Florence, our hearts are grieved to see you this way. I yearn to take you home, make you laugh, give you a bath, nurse you to sleep. But I cannot go into despair. There is a necessary detachment that seems to take place in the belly of this hospital. The ICU is a mess of curtained rooms and hallways, where shock and sorrow live. There is so much of it down here.
But…
You will get through this, this pneumonia that has caused you so much trouble. You will breathe again, unassisted. You will recover and soar and flourish.
They say your muscles could get weaker, you could need a tracheostomy (which means you wouldn’t be able to talk), you could need a G- tube. They always give us these worst case scenarios because they’ve seen them happen.
There is an army rising up and fighting for you. We feel the strength of hundreds of people who know your story, who have been captivated by you. You visit them in their dreams, you have been placed on their hearts for a reason. Some have never met you, and yet they pray and they wage war and send their love.
There is a village raising you up, my child, a village that carries you. And us too, when we feel too weak. They carry us with their love and food and prayers and words.
*Follow us on my Facebook page for more frequent updates on little miss Flo. So far we are just 24 hours into this and have anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks of hospital time ahead of us.*
The past few weeks have been challenging for me. Florence has been very healthy, but I’ve noticed some decrease in her strength which has heaped pain and anger and fear on top of me. I have had to lay down my burdens to the Lord once again. I’ve been really angry too. I’ve felt totally crushed and weighed down. I hate seeing her precious body unable to do the most simple things. It is so painful. But, in the midst of the letting go and the anger, I have felt grace. I always do. And I’ve pushed myself through the pain, in an effort to see God’s face. I am determined to not give up, though even on the strongest days I still feel weak. I’m fighting for her life, for breakthrough, for miracles, for my family, for our future children, for HOPE. I’m resting too, but in situations like this, you kind of always have to fight to not give up.
This is the battle: But God, oh, God, my heart is going to burst, and what about this and what about that, and what if….what if she dies like they assume she will, what if it happens again, just take my life God I cannot push past this and through it. I am broken beyond repair.
And then…
Rest. Peace. Let it go. Cry. Feel that supernatural strength invade your soul and push through.
I feel like I’m training for some insane marathon for my heart. And I feel like I’m the only one doing it. But I know that’s not true. I know I’m not alone in this, and I know we all have our battles.
So this week, I discovered some wonderful things that have brought joy to my heart. I hope you find joy in them too. And see the hope in your hopeless situations. If I can see the itty-bitty-just-being-born sun on the never ending desert horizon, you can too.
Currently listening to:Scripture Lullabies: Hidden in My Heart Volume 2. There are currently 2 volumes, with the 3rd being released this fall. I stumbled across these lullabies, and have been playing them everyday. They aren’t anything fancy but they are simply beautiful and because they are scriptures, they are catchy and get stuck in your head. It is so important to me to have scripture playing in my house, declaring truth and life to all the dusty corners. I also love knowing Florence is hearing them (they are technically intended for wee ones, being lullabies and all!) This is one of my favourites. The first time I heard it, I burst into giant tears and I still do. I love singing it over my little lamb.
Pin of the week: If you have a garden and you grow greens, pin this and keep the recipe. I have already started dehydrating my swiss chard because it’s coming out in big, glossy bunches of burgundy and green. I can’t wait to throw the mix in a smoothie or scrambled eggs. What a smart idea!
super green veggie powder
Currently reading: The Selfish Giant by Oscar Wilde.
I discovered this little fairy tale by accident. I was flipping through a book on fairytales and folklore and decided to give it a whirl. I started reading it out loud to Jay while he rubbed my feet on the couch. His eyes were closed while he listened, and my heart was swooning. I kept thinking: we need to do this more often! I’m sure many of you have heard of it, but in case you haven’t, read it here! It is so delightful, full of lush imagery and of course, has a beautiful and surprising finish with strong Gospel elements (the surprising bit to me!) You can buy the children’s book here. It even comes with music
Every afternoon, as they were coming from school, the children used to go and play in the Giant’s garden.
It was a large lovely garden, with soft green grass. Here and there over the grass stood beautiful flowers like stars, and there were twelve peach-trees that in the spring-time broke out into delicate blossoms of pink and pearl, and in the autumn bore rich fruit. The birds sat on the trees and sang so sweetly that the children used to stop their games in order to listen to them. ‘How happy we are here!’ they cried to each other.
One day the Giant came back. He had been to visit his friend the Cornish ogre, and had stayed with him for seven years. After the seven years were over he had said all that he had to say, for his conversation was limited, and he determined to return to his own castle. When he arrived he saw the children playing in the garden.
‘What are you doing here?’ he cried in a very gruff voice, and the children ran away.
‘My own garden is my own garden,’ said the Giant; ‘any one can understand that, and I will allow nobody to play in it but myself.’ So he built a high wall all round it, and put up a notice-board.
TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED
He was a very selfish Giant.
The poor children had now nowhere to play. They tried to play on the road, but the road was very dusty and full of hard stones, and they did not like it. They used to wander round the high wall when their lessons were over, and talk about the beautiful garden inside.
‘How happy we were there,’ they said to each other.
Then the Spring came, and all over the country there were little blossoms and little birds. Only in the garden of the Selfish Giant it was still Winter. The birds did not care to sing in it as there were no children, and the trees forgot to blossom. Once a beautiful flower put its head out from the grass, but when it saw the notice-board it was so sorry for the children that it slipped back into the ground again, and went off to sleep. The only people who were pleased were the Snow and the Frost. ‘Spring has forgotten this garden,’ they cried, ‘so we will live here all the year round.’ The Snow covered up the grass with her great white cloak, and the Frost painted all the trees silver. Then they invited the North Wind to stay with them, and he came. He was wrapped in furs, and he roared all day about the garden, and blew the chimney-pots down. ‘This is a delightful spot,’ he said, ‘we must ask the Hail on a visit.’ So the Hail came. Every day for three hours he rattled on the roof of the castle till he broke most of the slates, and then he ran round and round the garden as fast as he could go. He was dressed in grey, and his breath was like ice.
‘I cannot understand why the Spring is so late in coming,’ said the Selfish Giant, as he sat at the window and looked out at his cold white garden; ‘I hope there will be a change in the weather.’
But the Spring never came, nor the Summer. The Autumn gave golden fruit to every garden, but to the Giant’s garden she gave none. ‘He is too selfish,’ she said. So it was always Winter there, and the North Wind, and the Hail, and the Frost, and the Snow danced about through the trees.
One morning the Giant was lying awake in bed when he heard some lovely music. It sounded so sweet to his ears that he thought it must be the King’s musicians passing by. It was really only a little linnet singing outside his window, but it was so long since he had heard a bird sing in his garden that it seemed to him to be the most beautiful music in the world. Then the Hail stopped dancing over his head, and the North Wind ceased roaring, and a delicious perfume came to him through the open casement. ‘I believe the Spring has come at last,’ said the Giant; and he jumped out of bed and looked out.
What did he see?
He saw a most wonderful sight. Through a little hole in the wall the children had crept in, and they were sitting in the branches of the trees. In every tree that he could see there was a little child. And the trees were so glad to have the children back again that they had covered themselves with blossoms, and were waving their arms gently above the children’s heads. The birds were flying about and twittering with delight, and the flowers were looking up through the green grass and laughing. It was a lovely scene, only in one corner it was still Winter. It was the farthest corner of the garden, and in it was standing a little boy. He was so small that he could not reach up to the branches of the tree, and he was wandering all round it, crying bitterly. The poor tree was still quite covered with frost and snow, and the North Wind was blowing and roaring above it. ‘Climb up! little boy,’ said the Tree, and it bent its branches down as low as it could; but the little boy was too tiny.
And the Giant’s heart melted as he looked out. ‘How selfish I have been!’ he said; ‘now I know why the Spring would not come here. I will put that poor little boy on the top of the tree, and then I will knock down the wall, and my garden shall be the children’s playground for ever and ever.’ He was really very sorry for what he had done.
So he crept downstairs and opened the front door quite softly, and went out into the garden. But when the children saw him they were so frightened that they all ran away, and the garden became Winter again. Only the little boy did not run, for his eyes were so full of tears that he died not see the Giant coming. And the Giant stole up behind him and took him gently in his hand, and put him up into the tree. And the tree broke at once into blossom, and the birds came and sang on it, and the little boy stretched out his two arms and flung them round the Giant’s neck, and kissed him. And the other children, when they saw that the Giant was not wicked any longer, came running back, and with them came the Spring. ‘It is your garden now, little children,’ said the Giant, and he took a great axe and knocked down the wall. And when the people were gong to market at twelve o’clock they found the Giant playing with the children in the most beautiful garden they had ever seen.
All day long they played, and in the evening they came to the Giant to bid him good-bye.
‘But where is your little companion?’ he said: ‘the boy I put into the tree.’ The Giant loved him the best because he had kissed him.
‘We don’t know,’ answered the children; ‘he has gone away.’
‘You must tell him to be sure and come here to-morrow,’ said the Giant. But the children said that they did not know where he lived, and had never seen him before; and the Giant felt very sad.
Every afternoon, when school was over, the children came and played with the Giant. But the little boy whom the Giant loved was never seen again. The Giant was very kind to all the children, yet he longed for his first little friend, and often spoke of him. ‘How I would like to see him!’ he used to say.
Years went over, and the Giant grew very old and feeble. He could not play about any more, so he sat in a huge armchair, and watched the children at their games, and admired his garden. ‘I have many beautiful flowers,’ he said; ‘but the children are the most beautiful flowers of all.’
One winter morning he looked out of his window as he was dressing. He did not hate the Winter now, for he knew that it was merely the Spring asleep, and that the flowers were resting.
Suddenly he rubbed his eyes in wonder, and looked and looked. It certainly was a marvellous sight. In the farthest corner of the garden was a tree quite covered with lovely white blossoms. Its branches were all golden, and silver fruit hung down from them, and underneath it stood the little boy he had loved.
Downstairs ran the Giant in great joy, and out into the garden. He hastened across the grass, and came near to the child. And when he came quite close his face grew red with anger, and he said, ‘Who hath dared to wound thee?’ For on the palms of the child’s hands were the prints of two nails, and the prints of two nails were on the little feet.
’Who hath dared to wound thee?’ cried the Giant; ‘tell me, that I may take my big sword and slay him.’
‘Nay!’ answered the child; ‘but these are the wounds of Love.’
‘Who art thou?’ said the Giant, and a strange awe fell on him, and he knelt before the little child.
And the child smiled on the Giant, and said to him, ‘You let me play once in your garden, to-day you shall come with me to my garden, which is Paradise.’
And when the children ran in that afternoon, they found the Giant lying dead under the tree, all covered with white blossoms.
This is an excerpt from one of my favorite devotions in the fabulous book, Come Away my Beloved by Francis J. Roberts.
I love this devotional because it feels like each one was written with me in mind…they resonate so deeply with me. This one in particular. I read this before I was pregnant too, and of course was not in “need” of such grace. I felt I couldn’t quite relate to the suffering. Well, now I can. It’s bread for the journey. Words deeply impact me, give me strength. I love the Bible because it never changes, the truth, the strength, the comfort remains the same, yesterday, today and forever.
“Oh my child, lay your heart in my hand, and let me heal it. Yes, let me gather up your tears, for they are precious to me (Psalm 56:8). You have not been suffering alone, but I myself has been near you all along the way. My heart has felt all that you have felt. You do not have a high priest who is not able to sympathize with your sufferings, but one who experienced every grief and human emotion common to all people. In the midst of these painful experiences, He did not sin. Therefore He is one who is able to help you (Hebrews 2:18)
He is one who, having walked the same path himself, is able to teach you how, in the midst of these human experiences of hurts, frustrations, loneliness, and heartache you may rise above the natural tendencies to fall into the sins of self-pity, self-reproach, depression of spirit, resentment, and the like.
It is not easy. Not only is it not easy, but in the natural, in the flesh, it is impossible. But the same grace I promise to the apostle Paul to help him bear his afflictions, this same grace I will give to you (2 Corinthians 12:9).
You may bring the whole of your burden to me. I will help you as the days go by, and as the trials come and go; and as the learning process continues, I will teach you the spiritual secrets of the art of committal. For in complete and repeated committal lies the key to victory that can be thus more easily won, less painfully achieved, and more quickly gained, so that the valleys become less deep and less dark, and more quickly passed through.”
Part of the struggle of having a child (and one with such massive issues) is the pain of letting go.
But all parents go through some major lessons. I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I wish I really knew before giving birth.
If I could talk myself through it again, I would most likely say:
You have to let go of your desires, your dreams, what you envisioned, your plans. Those are all things involving self. They need to be let go. I think many of us go into parenthood blindly, assuming everything will be okay. Just because you don’t want something “bad” to happen to your baby, just because you feel like you couldn’t handle a special needs child, or a deaf child or a child that has autism or anorexia …don’t think it won’t happen. You might have to prepare your heart. Don’t take that the wrong way, and assume I’m jaded (I don’t know, maybe I am), but in one way or another your life will be drastically touched by this child. And pain will come: for some, once their wee one is born. They may face difficulties right away. Some come later, much later. Maybe it’s not a health related issue at all. Maybe it’s a mental, spiritual, or emotional issue. Maybe nothing happens and life is perfect. But, I’m pretty sure this is impossible.
I guess I just wish someone had told me about the stretching and the pain and the tears that I would shed over this little one. Not happy tears. Scared tears. I wish someone had said gently, “Just prepare yourself. Not necessarily for the worse, but be ready in your heart to let everything go to God. Get ready to face some intense struggles. Get ready to have your life flipped upside down. Get ready to see your mate in a whole new way. Throw out all your preconceived notions about motherhood and what you want it to look like.”
And then there are the little things. The small, insignificant things that we sometimes put a lot of energy into. If you want to cloth diaper, do it. If you don’t, don’t. If you do for a few months and then stop…awesome. If you want to paint your nursery and buy the newest, shiniest things for your little one, the best of the best, because hell, it’s your BABY, well, don’t worry about that stuff. It gets old fast, and in the end, if you can’t afford it, don’t bother. This is coming from me, I am a product junkie. I like to research things because I think it’s fun. I grew up going to the grocery store with my dad, just because I loved it. But, even I learned the lesson that in a few months time, you don’t care what you have. And sometimes your opinion changes, so don’t spend $800 on that thing because you might hate it anyway.
Strollers? They all suck in one way or another. Car seats? Swaddling? Sleep training? Vaccines? Figure it out as you go and do what your gut tells you. But in the end—your baby, boy or girl, “healthy” or not, is the cherished gift and they don’t give a rip about any of that stuff.
Embrace the season. Embrace it all, smush it to your face. The loss, the grief, the joy, the debt, the kitchen arguments, the midnight feeds, the mounds of laundry, the sickness. Just let it go. Just let our good God wrap you up in His arms and change you.
Everything will change. You probably will yearn for the days when it was just the two of you, man and wife, traveling the world. I often reminisce about those adventurous trips we took when we were just Jay and Michaela. I miss them. I just miss being able to take off, to drink or eat whatever, do whatever without a schedule, stay up all night because I want to.
I miss just having head space that is my own. And yet, at the same time, I love not thinking about myself.
Give yourself a big heart hug and remember, you were first a child, raised by your own mama. Lean on her, glean her wisdom. It takes time to grow up. Pay attention to friends around you that have similar parenting styles. Pay attention to friends that have different parenting styles, and learn from them all. Ask questions, be humble, prepare to have your heart broken wide open. Embrace it all.
God is good, in grief and torment. He is good in the sunshine and with a full belly.
I’m never quite sure what triggers it, sometimes a multitude of things, sometimes just life, talks about future children and what if they have it to? What if it’s not just Florence? The past few days have been incredibly tough for me, and in turn, for Jay.
I gave up. I broke. I laid down in the ashes, covered myself with sackcloth. I didn’t breathe, I didn’t feel any flicker of life or hope in my veins.
The weight of it all was simply too heavy and it crushed me.
This hasn’t happened before, not like this. I really truly felt my spirit was crushed, my heart was broken beyond repair, I was angry, I was seething, I was hurt and wounded, I was weak. I felt like all my insides had given up and died. I couldn’t shake the fog, could not enjoy the sunny days. I sat in church, tears streaming down my face, groanings too deep for words coming from the pit of my being. And I cried out, “God, where are you?”
Psalm 143:3-4
The enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground.
He has made me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
My spirit is faint within me;
my heart despairs.
And Psalm 38:8
I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.
That is truly how I felt. I think in words, and the words that came to me again and again were: weak, crushed, failing, despair, broken, faint.
I’m a fighter, but I had no fight left within me. I was ready to go home, for all this to be over. I literally felt like there was nothing left. I thought of all the things people have said to me, negative things, that were meant to be helpful. “Maybe you did something while you were pregnant? What about that place you went to? Have you repented? What about those objects in your home from India and Eastern Europe? Maybe they have curses on them. God doesn’t always heal. Is your faith okay? Is your theology correct?” Just so you know, I reject these things and really have a hard time not exploding in anger at these people.
I didn’t think of the wonderful, encouraging things people have said. I have more of those words in my head on a daily basis, and they always lift my spirit. “We are with you. We stand in agreement with you. We have faith. We believe God can and will heal Florence. Don’t give up. This is going to pass.”
But of course, in those moments of despair, those words seem…meaningless. They barely grazed the surface of my grief.
I thought: I was not made for this, I wasn’t made to handle this. THIS IS TOO MUCH GOD. You SAID you would never give us more than we can handle, but you have, you HAVE AND I’M SO ANGRY AT YOU. My heart is overwhelmed. Can’t you see that? I cannot go on.
And so, I sat down in my pit and gave up.
And I waited for Him to come and rescue me.
Nothing miraculous happened. I didn’t see any angels or feel anything extraordinary. I didn’t have any encouraging dreams. Florence didn’t fall asleep until after midnight, and I felt like laughing. Bitter.
I woke up this morning, feeling refreshed. Something made sense. I felt that fight come back, settle in my bones again. The broken spirit was barely mended. I didn’t feel a ton of joy, just no pain.
I’ve got the same spirit in me that pulled you up from the grave.
I don’t have to be afraid. What can man do to me? You called me out of my tomb, just by saying my name. I’ve got resurrection in my veins.
I’ve got you inside of me.
I was made to fly, I was made to walk on this water. I’m remembering, I’m remembering who I am, what’s inside of me. I won’t be afraid. Fear, you will not take my destiny.
Fear, you will not hold me down no more.
In my living room, with Florence at my breast, her muscle tone the same as it was yesterday, lower than low, with my heart still broken, I decided to shift the atmosphere of death in my heart and home. Well, I didn’t decide to, God, in all his mercy and goodness intervened. I may have felt like I was making a choice, but just last night I was dead, dead, dead. There was no way I could muster any strength, choose life.
I sang songs silently in my heart, not quite ready to sing out loud. I worshiped my God. I brought a sacrifice of praise.
God intervened. Gently. But He came.
And I felt that resurrection power in my veins. Nudging me. You were made for this.
I thought of this video I saw a while ago. It makes me smile so hard and it makes me cry.
We’re going to fight until we can’t find no more. When we can’t find no more, we’re gonna lay down, bleed awhile, get back up and fight some more.